Making Everything Fit

Cynicism is easy.  Seeing the beauty and reason in everything is infinitely harder.  And incredibly worth it.

I keep having to remind myself that I'm only 24.  I'm still "finding myself".  I'm still supposed to be finding myself.  I never had a teenage rebellion.  I never spent years being reckless or destructive.

I feel like 2011 is my year for finally figuring out what I want my life to be.  Or at least for starting to figure it out.

So I've been taking stock of my life lately.  I've been prioritizing.  And I've been ruthlessly throwing things out that don't fit.

And it's hard.  It's hard to give up the bitter cynical persona I've wrapped myself in.  But it's eating away at my soul.  It's keeping me from happiness.

I gave up drinking for Lent.  I think it might be permanent.  I feel great! Was my drinking out of control? Never.  Did I drink more often than I would have liked? Probably.  But I've been using it to avoid dealing with problems in a healthy way.  I've been using it in social situations to cover my awkward shyness.  You might say that a lot of people do that; it's ok; it's normal.  I don't want to be normal.  I want to be better. I can be better.

Aside from the philosophical reasons, it was ruining my diet, and I just didn't have time for it any more.  For example, Stefano and I are going out to dinner tonight before he leaves town for a week, and I need to get grocery shopping done tonight as well (I'm out of COFFEE!!).  And I love knowing that I can run out quickly after dinner because I won't be tipsy.  I never get anything done after I have a drink, even if it's just one.  It just makes me want to sit around and watch TV or play games.

I've given up all my wasteful TV watching.  I watch one new TV show (House, and I record it) and old shows on DVD when I have time.  Which is about once every two weeks.

I'm a runner.  I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD SAY THAT WITHOUT LAUGHING.  I was always the girl joking, "I only run if something is chasing me" but I'm letting go of that part of me.  I was scared I couldn't do it, and now I know I can.  And I will.

I started yoga.  Not much.  Just been doing a DVD at my house.  I can hear the old me thinking "it's just breathing and weird poses. This is BS." But I'M NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.  I don't care if she was funny.  She was scared.  I'm not afraid to be myself.  I'm not afraid for people to know the real me.

I've been struggling for the past few years with my faith.  Well, not exactly.  I've never lost my faith in God.  I've just been struggling with how to fit Him into my life.  I think I've finally figured it out-- the one part of my life He didn't fit into was the bitter, insecure, cynical face I was showing the world.  So with His help I'm dropping my safety blanket of cynicism and learning to live in the world as the real woman I am on the inside.